COLUMN—Lonely on New Years

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After leaving my hometown I was afraid I’d be lonely. You’re told that you’ll get out into the world and make all sorts of friends. But there’s always that nagging feeling that’ll you won’t live up to those expectations.

Those fears of mine were subdued quickly after arriving at Auburn University. It took a semester, but I eventually found those people I’ll consider friends for life. 

However two years later in my junior year, I feel lonelier than I have ever before in my life. I don’t take my friends for granted and I love them dearly. I realize now that there’s a place in my life that’s never been empty before. Its absence never felt until now. 

To be quite frank I never expected to feel this kind of loneliness. In my high school I was one of 15 Asian people at a 900 person school. 

Then I got to Auburn. I’m surrounded by friends and members of the “Auburn Family.” I adore my friends, and I’d like to think they like me. 

But for all they give me, one thing that they can’t give me is a reflection. When I look at them I see the majority. Privilege. Oppression. Empathy. And “It must be hard.” 

It’s no ones fault. Everyone tries to be understanding, listening to my words when I speak of my experience that deviates from theirs. 

It’s not enough to keep me from being lonely. 

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On New Years, Lunar New Years, I am alone in my observance. Sure, people celebrate it. But it’s in that cheesy, surface level, capitalistic way. 

For me personally, Lunar New Years is a time of renewal. Letting go of the bad. Letting in the good. Parents, aunties and uncles would bring li xi, those red envelopes, by the handful for the “kids” of the family. Cousins would run around, energized by egg rolls and mooncakes while Paris by Night blares through the house. Fruits of all types are offered to party-goers and ancestors. Be sure to eat an orange though, for good fortune. 

The rest of my observance involves cleaning. Getting every last bit of the bad out, so all the good has room to come in. All of it has to be done before midnight or you’ll be stuck with your old luck.

Usually I’d help my parents get our house spotless. But now I have my own apartment to take care of. My own apartment to clean. My own luck to take care of. 

It gets done in time. But it’s a lot lonelier. 

It’s hard to communicate how important this cleaning is to me. Most people brush it off, telling me if it’s not all done now—I can do it later or equate it t a typical “spring cleaning.” 

This year friends sat by as I cleaned out all the bad luck during our lunch break from classes. And then that night I ate an orange over the sink for good fortune.